I do this every once in awhile… I get this itch to go through one of the five – yes, five – boxes I have of photos I’ve accumulated since the 8th grade. Photos of friends, school, cheerleading, soccer, dancing, boys, boys, BOYS. I’m so happy I’ve kept all of these pictures, because whenever I pull them out I genuinely laugh. All alone, on my bed, I laugh at myself and at the memories. Sometimes I even cry.
Looking back through three of those boxes tonight, I wanted to take some time to reflect on what I like to consider the three greatest loves of my life thus far; J.J., Brach, and Anthony.
The purpose of this blog initially was to take a look at my past relationships, analyze them now that I’m out of the fog of heartbreak, and learn. Since I’ve only done that with a couple of relationships, I’m going to start making my own rules and do it the way it comes to me.
I once asked my Mom if there was a guy I’d dated that she thought I was going to marry. She answered without hesitation – J.J. and Brach. When I was with them (each for two years), I was certain that they were the ones I’d spend my life with. Looking at photos of them tonight, I’m filled with this strange mix of happiness and extreme sadness. I don’t talk to either of them anymore, and it kind of kills me. We shared so many experiences and emotions and feelings, the least we could do is stay in touch… Right?
I met J.J. when I moved to San Diego. I had just turned 19, I’d just lost 40 pounds, and I was in a new town. I wanted to reinvent myself; into what, I wasn’t sure. I just knew that I was finally where I was supposed to be.
When we met, J.J. was incredibly shy. I practically had to tackle him to give him the hint that I was interested. In fact, one of the photos I stumbled across tonight is one of a giant hickey (no shit) that he gave me the first night we kissed. It was absolutely ridiculous, and my roommate at the time decided it needed to be immortalized on film. Embarrassing, but hysterical now.
We were both so young when we got together, and in the two years of that relationship, we changed so much. We grew apart and broke up amicably, and actually ended up having classes together at the college we had transferred into together. Eventually J.J. got a girlfriend, whom I believe he’s still with to this day, and we stopped talking. I drunk-dialed him once (I still have his number memorized – still!) and we talked for a short while. After that night, I ran into his sister, who promptly told me to stop trying to contact him. Ouch.
I truly loved J.J. with everything I had, and he was absolutely my first love. Maybe if we’d met later in life, we would have ended up together. From what I could tell of the photos, and from what my memory allows me to reach, we had an amazing time while we were together… So young, SO in love. Like nothing else mattered.
I wonder if I’ll find that feeling again… I certainly hope I do. With J.J., I could be completely myself, and he was so compatible. We were both complete goofballs… For lack of a better term, I guess. I think a piece of me still loves him, and always will. The romantic in me will never die.